Alan Johnson seemed to be in his own world as he introduced the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Bill. It was as if he was the woodworking teacher who, as in a bad dream, suddenly found himself naked in front of a biology class. “I am not known for my knowledge of good experiments,” he announced at one point but then went on to talk of “the famous hamster test”.

Ah yes, the famous hamster test. Well, I don't know about hamsters but I do think Alan Johnson is failing his own fatherhood test. For Mr Johnson, as Health Secretary, is the father of this Bill but he hardly seemed proud of it yesterday. Indeed, at times, I would say that he was hardly even there.

“Can you put on the record that this Bill is not about creating Frankenstein-type monsters?” asked Jim Devine, a Labour loyalist who is also a Roman Catholic, who then sat down with a thud.

Silence filled the air. Mr Johnson, ruminating on the front bench, possibly on the famous hamster test, looked startled to discover that it was his turn. (Yes, that's how it works, daddy-o).

Mr Johnson jumped up. “I am grateful to my honourable friend for putting that on the record,” he said. This seemed odd. For the cruel truth is that Mr Devine does not need to put anything on the record. He is a backbencher. No one cares what he thinks (well, OK, his family). It is Mr Johnson whose views on Frankenstein matter. Had Mr Johnson even heard the question?

Perhaps he was hoping that, if he closed his eyes, this Bill would just go away. He had already had a bad moment when Frank Field (the scourge of Gordon Brown) popped up to make a point that was so tame it should have been on a lead.

“Thank you!” cried Mr Johnson, relief and disbelief mingled in his cry. “I believe that was helpful!”

Not so others. Geraldine Smith said that she would vote against the Government. “I do that with sorrow but I have to say I don't think it will damage the Government, certainly not the way that former Cabinet members writing books is damaging!”

Mr Johnson did not even try to answer that. Indeed, like a hedgehog (and perhaps even a hamster), he was now busy rolling into a ball to defend himself against the Fathers4Fathers brigade. This new pressure group, led by Iain Duncan Smith, is furious about how fathers are being treated in the Bill. They have been, quite simply, excised.

Fertility clinics will no longer need to take into account the need for a father when considering applicants: dads have been replaced by the words “supportive parenting”. Mr Johnson says couples will no longer need “to seek sperm in the unregulated sector”. This brought alarmed eyebrows and it did sound far away (as Buzz Lightyear would say: “To infinity and beyond.”)

Mr Duncan Smith is furious. “Why, oh why, are you driving this through now?” he pleaded. No gay or lesbian couples were denied treatment because of it. “What you end up with here is that we send a very powerful signal that fathers no longer matter!”

I would like to tell you what Mr Johnson said but, as he was rolled into a tight ball, I couldn't hear his muffled words.

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