Ann Treneman: Parliamentary Sketch
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Michael Martin, the Speaker, does not merely walk to the chamber to open its proceedings. Instead, as befits a man with the powers of a potentate, he processes. Yesterday his berobed crocodile snaked its way through the lobbies just before 2.30pm: it included his chaplain, his secretary and his trainbearer. The fact that he has no train is irrelevant. He could if he wanted.
I write carefully here because the press is banned by tradition from saying what happens in certain areas of the palace, but I am reliably informed by the mice who see everything at Westminster that Mr Speaker and his procession received a hero’s welcome from Labour MPs yesterday. They had read the papers but they did not care about his wife’s taxi bill. They just wanted him to know that they adore him. (The fact that he controls their careers is, of course, irrelevant.)
MPs blame the press for all the hoo-hah and, yesterday, we the vultures played our part and circled above him. The Speaker’s chair is not a throne but, with its canopy, it is quite grand. Mr Martin, 62, balding and bespectacled, fills every bit of it.
“Order! Order!” he cried, robes revealing a golden fob-chain over his ample girth, his buckled shoes resting on his footrest. His words were met with cheers by Labour MPs: they had no doubt that their man had said something of some brilliance.
He agreed. “Thank you very much,” Mr Speaker said in his soft Glaswegian singsong, which is often hard to hear. He did not add “Let the toadying begin!” but he should have. It was really quite impressive: I hope Uriah Heep was watching for he would have picked up some tips. As the business of Home Office Questions (wheel clamping, cannabis cafés, immigration, police strength) juddered on, a stream of Labour MPs made their way to his side to squeeze his arm and wish him well. Some slipped him notes that he then secreted among his costume’s voluminous folds. His secretary stood by his side to prompt him should he forget a name (which he often does).
But he did not need help with one name. “John Spellar!” he cried. Mr Spellar, who had positioned himself between the giant stomach that belongs to Jim Devine and the bizarre Rupert Bear suit being worn by Sir Gerald Kaufman, jumped up, ready for battle.
“Can I say it is good to see you,” cried Mr Spellar, “a reminder that in this country the Speaker is chosen not by an attempted coup from the press gallery but by the Members of this House!” How they cheered! Mr Spellar is an adviser to the Speaker on MPs’ pay and allowances and so, as I am sure you can see, is completely objective. He looked extremely pleased with himself.
It was all very cosy until the lanky figure of David Winnick arose from the Labour benches with a point of order. He noted that the public were concerned about MPs’ expenses. Could Mr Speaker hurry up his review of this (it is due to report in the autumn). “It is causing damage to the reputation of the House,” he said. “The sooner we can resolve it, the better.”
Mr Speaker arose. Mr Winnick was an apostate! Mr Martin noted, icily, that MPs had voted for him to do this review. “I will carry out that duty until this House decides otherwise! That is a good thing for the reputation of this House!”
The oracle had spoken. He sat back down and sipped a glass of fresh water that one of his slaves had just brought.
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Mr Spellar and co need reminding it is us the electorate that pay their salaries, pensions and expenses. Those that voted for them, against them or not at all.
The house is not an elected dictatorship. It should be accountable to the people in all that it does. MPs have no right to support a man who is not supported by the electors.
They pass laws on freedom of information, then try to exempt themselves. They've exempted themselves from parts of the tax code, employ their famillies on the public payroll and vote for their own pay and expenses. They often sit on multiple directorships or take trade union donations when they are suppose to be representing our interests. They routinely clear each other of wrongdoing in dubious internal inquiries and often claim for vast housing expenses that were never actually incurred.
Cromwell told the Rump Parliament: "Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole Nation."
I suspect there is much sympathy for that proposition today.
W Smith, Leeds, UK
Mr Spellar and co need reminding it is us the electorate that pay their salaries, pensions and expenses. Those that voted for them, against them or not at all.
The house is not an elected dictatorship. It should be accountable to the people in all that it does. MPs have no right to support a man who is not supported by the electors.
They pass laws on freedom of information, then try to exempt themselves. They've exempted themselves from parts of the tax code, employ their famillies on the public payroll and vote for their own pay and expenses. They often sit on multiple directorships or take trade union donations when they are suppose to be representing our interests. They routinely clear each other of wrongdoing in dubious internal inquiries and often claim for vast housing expenses that were never actually incurred.
Cromwell told the Rump Parliament: "Ye are grown intolerably odious to the whole Nation."
I suspect there is much sympathy for that proposition today.
W Smith, Leeds, UK
A hero!! !!!!
No surprises there.
CHRIS MILES, Manchester , uk
I read Anne Treneman's column every day with much pleasure. There is just one thing I would like her to think about. She seems to be fond of the word "cried" and
unfortunately it appears in her Sketch (much too) often.
Today for example she used it three times. Excellent writer that she is, I am sure she can think of alternatives to use.
For the rest, full marks.
C Wim Witjens, Camberley
C Wim Witjens, Camberley, UK
What a bunch of stinkers!
Gordon Alexander, Frome, UK
I can't really understand Mr G's point. If he votes in Council Elections on the basis of what the people at Westminster do and I assume he is disgusted with the sleaze of bot Labour and Conservative M.P.'s, then he is going to get people running his local council who might have honest M.P.'s at Westminster but might be incompetent or dishonest at a local level. Be sensible and vote for local councillors on local issues.
bill edmunds , Basingstoke, UK
Remember - Remember - Remember.
This bent bunch of sycophants cannot hang on to their nest-lining positions forever. Of course favours will be done and called in later but these " honourable " gentlemen and ladies will be off the Westminster gravy-train.
I hope the press will remind those of the electorate who are fooled by the election promises of all the people, times and occassions when our public servants forgot whom they are elected to serve.
General election please - and soon.
Remember - Remember - Remember.
R Bingham, Lauzun, France
The reason the press is called the Fourth Estate is because (amongst other things) it performs a useful function - to remind those MPs who forget, that their entire raison d'être is to represent us, our values, interests and concerns.
Perhaps it's a tad less emphatic than a Cromwell marching a company of pikemen into the chamber, but I'm unlikely to vote for an MP who makes a point of ignoring it, as if that were some kind of virtue.
Ian Kemmish, Biggleswade, UK
I think its time this parliment began doing the job it was elected to do or this group of lay about MP who seem to find it easier to throw crap around
that actually make any positive contribution to the govenment of this country should be impeached removed and made to work for a living (with no pension rights)---everyone I speak to is fed up to the back teeth of you lot you are a disgrace.
What do whips actually get paid for, it must be the easiest job in the world.
Stuart Gerrard, Derby, UK
Well done the press, keep up the good work and let's have more.
Roger, Surrey,
If MPs were doing their job properly the Press would not hound them.
MPs expenses and allowances are perceived as being a scandal. If the rules allow some of them to get away with what is little short of theft, the rules need changing.
How can any investigation of the rules be taken seriously when the chief investigator is one of those who have profited from them?
And MPs wonder why they are despised.
Jeremy James, St. Maurice de Lignon, France
The fuss about the Speaker is Labour 'spin' to divert attention from the EU Constitution which masquerades as the Treaty of Lisbon. Let the MPs grab their expenses; I want a referendum.
Tim C, Southern England, United Kingdom
Nothing is guaranteed to infuriate the public already offended by MP's sleazy behaviour, than the coming together of all sides of the house to cheer the speaker. The old boy sleaze network doesn't need a 3 line whip on this it seems, and shows a blatant disregard for our concerns. Of course there will be a few MP's of integrity who will be concerned, but they won't get the nod from him if ever they want to speak at question time.
Peter K Day, Doncaster, UK/ Yorkshire
About 65 days to council elections-can't wait.
Mr G, Leeds , UK